Well I started off quite successful at life. Sporting achievements during school, great job in advertising for news limited, happy smart and full of life. But then in my early 20s I got sick and that rocked my world. I had to leave my job, got dumped by my boyfriend, moved home to mum, and lost my independence. I had chronic pancreatitis so had multiple surgeries, and then started having epileptic seizures 10x a day and blackouts. The medication I was on for the first 6yrs was intense. Lots of morphine and Seroquel making me basically a zombie lost with the fairies. I have spent a lot of time in mental health clinics trying to learn how to be happy.
However I don’t think anyone can teach you that. It’s for yourself to find.
I learnt what pain truly was, mentally and physically. I spent a few years self harming and even carved “help me” down my arm that’s still very visible to this day. I was paralysed from the waist down in a wheelchair for a long time, and we were not sure I would walk again. But I did. I walked again. And as I started to walk again I found out I was 21weeks pregnant. I was very excited and up for the challenge of being a single mother not being in a relationship at the time. However as things go someone just out of a wheelchair still using a walker, having seizures everyday on heavy medications I got told I had to have surgery at the hospital due to the high risk of death for the child or myself. The doctors did not believe it was safe for me to go through with it.
I was feeling very upset that i wasn’t capable of bringing life into this world but the worst was yet to come. I was told that I would be put under anaesthetic for the surgery. But when I arrived I was informed by the surgeon I would have to be dilated before they could perform the surgery. So I was induced, dilating screaming with my hips being torn apart for 5hrs. I had felt pain before this day, I thought, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined how excruciating this experience would be and all to kill the baby I so desperately wanted.
You see the funny thing is pancreatitis is the 2nd most painful pain you can experience. The first just happens to be labour. I have had chronic pancreatitis for 7yrs by now and though the pain would get so bad I would black out vomit and scream uncontrollably, I never thought I could feel more pain. I did on this day. And the memory still tortures me. I’m still suffering some days from not being able to walk. I have lost all my friends and most of my family due to my illnesses and their lack of understanding and acceptance of my suffering. And my heart has yearned for friendship for years. I don’t know if I’ll ever be loved or find friendship but I remain hopeful
Her work can be seen here: https://www.caitlindaisyrose.com.au/